I was reading an article in the NY Times the other day about yet another case of corporate malfeasance, and other words which were equally impressive, trust me. But back to malfeasance. It sounds bad, but it's actually only breaking the law and violating the public trust, something we all like. Ironic, no?

Which begs the question: How do I proceed given a scenario where I might want to engage in some corporate malfeezing of my own? Well, first I would hint around that I'm not above that sort of thing, so people can't act all offended when it goes down. This is called creating an "ethical margin of error", and I plan to copyright it.

Think about the genius of it. If you walked up to a store and the sign said, "Maybe we will shoot you", that's really scary. You probably wouldn't even go in that store. But maybe you're feeling tough that day, so in you go.

If soon after you are inflicted with multiple bullet wounds to all internal organs, oh well I'm supposed to be sad for you? Not even. At that point, just say I love you to your mom and close your eyes in sweet repose because it's game over. All the reading I did one time in a People magazine Russian version indicates that the store is well within their legal rights there. Don't quote me, but it's true nonetheless.

More important even than visible signage regarding the impending murders you may commit, is an unambiguous corporate slogan that forces the public to face facts about life. Watch below to see how I've improved the marketing angles for several prominent companies, through simple honesty. Because honesty goes a long way. If you don't have honesty, what do you have? Non-useful slogans, that's what.

By the way, if I get multiple lucrative job offers as a result of my slogans, it was nice knowing you guys.


McDonald's -Our bad on the heart disease, everybody. You deserve a break today, or even for eternity, realistically.

Apple -Congratulations, America. You have successfully purchased a cell phone for $600. Our next product is a $12,000 home computer. No wait, we already did that.

Blockbuster -First we overcharged customers millions in phantom late fees, then we stole the Netflix business model. Now we're going to steal your girlfriend. Seriously, we're calling her right now.

YouTube -Don't blame us for the downfall of American culture. Just kidding, you can blame us. You have 3 seconds.

GAP-Hey, where is everybody?

Microsoft -The only thing we don't have is a good porn star name. That's it. However, rest assured that we will still **** you over.

Starbucks -Hey guess what coffee snobs, we hate you too. And sometimes we sell cool music, so kiss it.

Radio Shack -You've got questions, we've got answers. For example, did we recently fire 400 of our employees by email? Yes.

Bausch & Lomb -Stop playing around, you could lose an eye! We're serious, you could literally lose an eye if you use our product.

There. Once we have set the culture of honesty in this country, anything can be accomplished. First George Washington cut down a cherry tree, then he invented America, and now me with this post. Full circle. So don't ever say I'm not on the front lines improving America right and left. I will hunt anyone down who says that, most likely carrying visible signage stating my intent.