Doncha Wish Your Husband Was Ugly Like Mine-Doncha!

The American Journal of Medicine recently published a study which found that 86% of its studies were pointless. Just kidding, the study actually found that wives with repulsive-looking husbands were happier than wives with non-repulsive husbands. I'm not a scientist, but something tells me I can help everyone understand this study in a more complete way.

First, I need to be up front with the ladies: I expected better. Combined with your low math scores, this study doesn't make you guys look too great. I myself know the ladies are awesome, but maybe not everyone knows. You have to prove this like we do, by beating each other up, or yelling angrily! Your actions could potentially speak even louder than the “Women Are Awesome” campaign I organized last year. That campaign was extremely successful, true, but the essence of my point remains.

Here are some fact-based reasons for the study results, which cannot be disputed, unless you want to:

1. Women are at their happiest when being more attractive than others. This includes that woman across the street, your sister, her hamster, herself, and any imaginary women who don’t yet exist. But if they do exist, they better be less attractive. “And they better stay the $%^$ away from my man! Ooh girl, don’t you look at him like that!”

2. Women derive great joy from cats, celebrities, and sometimes even 4 cats. Dogs are in the mix as well. Basically, women enjoy pets, and love taking their pet rat-dog for a walk. Ergo, if they are married to the elephant man, they not only could take him for a walk, he could provide conversation, if his mouth was not deformed.

3. Women are not as visually stimulated as men are. I won't pass judgment on this quality other than to say it seems like an obvious brain defect.

4. Most women enjoy apologies. An ugly man’s very existence is in some sick way, a constant apology.

Acne-pitted Husband: "There is no excuse for my unseemly complexion, non-chiseled jawline and close-set eyes. It pains me deeply that you are occasionally forced to glance in my direction. And just so you know, this matter will continue to trouble me until I am dead. I also beg your forgiveness in advance for that, since a less attractive person will no longer be available for immediate comparison."

5. In general, women are nurturers. The result of the nurture quality is the desire in many women to nurse their husbands’ ugly visages back to health. Remember when your kindergarten teacher gave you special attention? Anyone who said yes, you know what that means.

Anyway, in the majority of ugly-husband scenarios, even consistent visage-nurturing is ultimately ineffective without cosmetic surgery. Thus, the opportunity to nurture never ends. Obvious result: Euphoric wife.

6. Though they may prefer to keep it hush-hush, many women have caveman fantasies that would embarrass the most seasoned of street walkers. And the more you look like a caveman, the more fertile this type of woman automatically becomes. Sub-result: An ugly husband AND several ugly children to nurture. Obvious result: Euphoric wife.

One potential flaw to this theory is that women seem to adore cute children, maybe even more than the cavemen fantasies. I need more time with #6. I’m definitely onto something, it simply needs to be fleshed out.

7. Finally, women like to feel special. Who doesn’t, right??? As former president John F. Kennedy said, “Ugly people are by nature less special than attractive people.” And then an ugly man shot him, out of spite.

Ugly husbands don’t even have to be romantic or thoughtful. The ugly husband's only true responsibility is walking by his wife 2 or 3 times per day, to remind her that she is a goddess by comparison. My advice to these men is to walk by briskly, so that she will know you have extra energy and want to go for a walk.