This post is AMAZING

Based on some of my recent social research, in addition to 98% of all conversations I've overheard in the last few weeks, it would appear that the government has disallowed the use of any adjective aside from "AMAZING". While unprecedented and seemingly arbitrary, this rule allows everyone to save time and be more boring. Not to be judgmental, but honestly, it's like a bunch of 7th-graders babbling incoherently after a Hannah Montana concert.

Don't get me wrong--I have my own collection of overused pet words whose expiration date has probably long since lapsed. Example: "Sick" or "The Sickness".

Usage: "I enjoyed the energetic performance, engaging stage presence, and homage paid to earlier albums. Make no mistake, that concert was the sickness."

Ok, there's really no excuse for a man of my age to use this word, although as you will see in the next sentence, that will not stop me from attempting to excuse it. That's right, I believe mine to be a different sort of problem, mainly because I don't make a specific effort to pause for a ridiculous length of time between my pet word and other surrounding words. Lovers of the word "amazing”, on the other hand, are apparently required to space out the time preceding usage of the word to a preposterous degree, and if possible, not say any other words for 10 seconds following usage.

Example: "Their pecan-crusted halibut is....[intentional 10 year pause]......AMAZING."

[additional 8-year pause]

Memo to lovers of the word "amazing": This is a very common word, I don't need extra time to try and figure out its meaning. Instead of attempting to make time stand still, I would rather you complement the word "amazing" with additional adjectives which could help to convey what you actually mean, aside from "really good".

For instance, you might think someone's halibut is "amazing" because it's extremely spicy, and I might prefer my halibut to be so bland that I fall asleep while eating it. But now I am up a creek because you've decided that "amazing" is a magic word which can be used whenever you feel like saying a single word and then standing idly by as everyone else scrambles to decode your inane ramblings.

For the record, I like my halibut on the flavorful side, but that's just pure coincidence. You would have no way of knowing that, so I still request that you use unambiguous and descriptive adjectives when discussing halibut or other types of fish in my presence.

I realize that I am opening myself up to amazing criticism by posting something this amazing, but so be it. I also realize it's possible I'm hanging out around the wrong people. When I find new people, I'm going to test them by asking if they've heard of the Amazing Spiderman. If they say, "What do you mean by 'Amazing'?, I'll know they are my kind of people.

Related: My uncle's thoughts from a few years ago on another overused word.

Submitted for your consideration

When we refer to certain electronic components as having a "universal" connector, do you think that sounds presumptuous to aliens in other galaxies?

My personal motto when referring to electronic components: Don't assume anything.

Doncha Wish Your Husband Was Ugly Like Mine-Doncha!

The American Journal of Medicine recently published a study which found that 86% of its studies were pointless. Just kidding, the study actually found that wives with repulsive-looking husbands were happier than wives with non-repulsive husbands. I'm not a scientist, but something tells me I can help everyone understand this study in a more complete way.

First, I need to be up front with the ladies: I expected better. Combined with your low math scores, this study doesn't make you guys look too great. I myself know the ladies are awesome, but maybe not everyone knows. You have to prove this like we do, by beating each other up, or yelling angrily! Your actions could potentially speak even louder than the “Women Are Awesome” campaign I organized last year. That campaign was extremely successful, true, but the essence of my point remains.

Here are some fact-based reasons for the study results, which cannot be disputed, unless you want to:

1. Women are at their happiest when being more attractive than others. This includes that woman across the street, your sister, her hamster, herself, and any imaginary women who don’t yet exist. But if they do exist, they better be less attractive. “And they better stay the $%^$ away from my man! Ooh girl, don’t you look at him like that!”

2. Women derive great joy from cats, celebrities, and sometimes even 4 cats. Dogs are in the mix as well. Basically, women enjoy pets, and love taking their pet rat-dog for a walk. Ergo, if they are married to the elephant man, they not only could take him for a walk, he could provide conversation, if his mouth was not deformed.

3. Women are not as visually stimulated as men are. I won't pass judgment on this quality other than to say it seems like an obvious brain defect.

4. Most women enjoy apologies. An ugly man’s very existence is in some sick way, a constant apology.

Acne-pitted Husband: "There is no excuse for my unseemly complexion, non-chiseled jawline and close-set eyes. It pains me deeply that you are occasionally forced to glance in my direction. And just so you know, this matter will continue to trouble me until I am dead. I also beg your forgiveness in advance for that, since a less attractive person will no longer be available for immediate comparison."

5. In general, women are nurturers. The result of the nurture quality is the desire in many women to nurse their husbands’ ugly visages back to health. Remember when your kindergarten teacher gave you special attention? Anyone who said yes, you know what that means.

Anyway, in the majority of ugly-husband scenarios, even consistent visage-nurturing is ultimately ineffective without cosmetic surgery. Thus, the opportunity to nurture never ends. Obvious result: Euphoric wife.

6. Though they may prefer to keep it hush-hush, many women have caveman fantasies that would embarrass the most seasoned of street walkers. And the more you look like a caveman, the more fertile this type of woman automatically becomes. Sub-result: An ugly husband AND several ugly children to nurture. Obvious result: Euphoric wife.

One potential flaw to this theory is that women seem to adore cute children, maybe even more than the cavemen fantasies. I need more time with #6. I’m definitely onto something, it simply needs to be fleshed out.

7. Finally, women like to feel special. Who doesn’t, right??? As former president John F. Kennedy said, “Ugly people are by nature less special than attractive people.” And then an ugly man shot him, out of spite.

Ugly husbands don’t even have to be romantic or thoughtful. The ugly husband's only true responsibility is walking by his wife 2 or 3 times per day, to remind her that she is a goddess by comparison. My advice to these men is to walk by briskly, so that she will know you have extra energy and want to go for a walk.