I was reading an article in the NY Times the other day about yet another case of corporate malfeasance, and other words which were equally impressive, trust me. But back to malfeasance. It sounds bad, but it's actually only breaking the law and violating the public trust, something we all like. Ironic, no?

Which begs the question: How do I proceed given a scenario where I might want to engage in some corporate malfeezing of my own? Well, first I would hint around that I'm not above that sort of thing, so people can't act all offended when it goes down. This is called creating an "ethical margin of error", and I plan to copyright it.

Think about the genius of it. If you walked up to a store and the sign said, "Maybe we will shoot you", that's really scary. You probably wouldn't even go in that store. But maybe you're feeling tough that day, so in you go.

If soon after you are inflicted with multiple bullet wounds to all internal organs, oh well I'm supposed to be sad for you? Not even. At that point, just say I love you to your mom and close your eyes in sweet repose because it's game over. All the reading I did one time in a People magazine Russian version indicates that the store is well within their legal rights there. Don't quote me, but it's true nonetheless.

More important even than visible signage regarding the impending murders you may commit, is an unambiguous corporate slogan that forces the public to face facts about life. Watch below to see how I've improved the marketing angles for several prominent companies, through simple honesty. Because honesty goes a long way. If you don't have honesty, what do you have? Non-useful slogans, that's what.

By the way, if I get multiple lucrative job offers as a result of my slogans, it was nice knowing you guys.


McDonald's -Our bad on the heart disease, everybody. You deserve a break today, or even for eternity, realistically.

Apple -Congratulations, America. You have successfully purchased a cell phone for $600. Our next product is a $12,000 home computer. No wait, we already did that.

Blockbuster -First we overcharged customers millions in phantom late fees, then we stole the Netflix business model. Now we're going to steal your girlfriend. Seriously, we're calling her right now.

YouTube -Don't blame us for the downfall of American culture. Just kidding, you can blame us. You have 3 seconds.

GAP-Hey, where is everybody?

Microsoft -The only thing we don't have is a good porn star name. That's it. However, rest assured that we will still **** you over.

Starbucks -Hey guess what coffee snobs, we hate you too. And sometimes we sell cool music, so kiss it.

Radio Shack -You've got questions, we've got answers. For example, did we recently fire 400 of our employees by email? Yes.

Bausch & Lomb -Stop playing around, you could lose an eye! We're serious, you could literally lose an eye if you use our product.

There. Once we have set the culture of honesty in this country, anything can be accomplished. First George Washington cut down a cherry tree, then he invented America, and now me with this post. Full circle. So don't ever say I'm not on the front lines improving America right and left. I will hunt anyone down who says that, most likely carrying visible signage stating my intent.

Last weekend, my family and I enjoyed an extravagant 3-hour vacation in Tijuana. And why not, I have the money ($7.00) to do that sort of thing. For the unfamiliar, Tijuana is a secret exotic city with beautiful flowing waterfalls and similar. Hiding meekly in the back alleys are street vendors who have never seen Americans before. These individuals can be coerced into selling their valuable mexican jumping beans if you know what you're doing.

However, not all haggling scenarios on this adventure went as planned. One such scenario was a team-haggle effort with my eldest nephew. Let's call him Trevor, since that's his name. His goal was to buy some really crappy tiny carved forest animals, on purpose. Even so, he didn't want to spend a bundle, because he's not on my financial level. Understandably then, we couldn't be asked to pay whatever the original price was, even if that price was a cup full of crusty pigeon splatter. It's the principle of the thing. Without a moment's delay, I engaged the unnamed seller of trinkets with my time-tested negotiation techniques.

Me: How much? A dollar? That's ridiculous, how could I ever spend a dollar for something like that when I can spend a dollar for a bus ride to downtown San Diego. Ridiculous. At least with the bus ride, I'm somewhere else. If I buy this animal, I'm pretty sure I'm still going to be standing here. No, my price is 5 for 2 dollars.

Vendor: 1 dollar each.

Me: Frustrating! Honestly, these things are so crappy i'm shocked the mexican police don't confiscate them on a daily basis!

Ok, I didn't say that. Being the shrewd entrepreneurs that we are, my nephew and I just went next door and purchased the poorly-crafted animals for our asking price. Quite simple really, if you've taken a few business courses (Call Chico State and ask them for my transcripts if you want to play it that way).

After we left, I informed the original salesman of his great error, and our subsequent great gain. His response was "Ooh, lucky you!" That's attitude I don't need right there. I'm never going back to that particular cardboard table again, please believe me when I say that.

After the business lesson I gave my nephew, I was in the mood for some learning of my own, which is difficult due to the length and breadth of my knowledge stores. Nevertheless, my brothers speak pretty nice Spanish, yippee for them. By contrast, my Spanish sounds more as if someone threw a Spanish I text book at me and then the book flapped open for a second as it flew by, allowing me to see one or two of the Spanish words inside. Although this experience was key in my Spanish-speaking development, I still feel like I need more learning. My desire for knowledge is insatiable, as if that wasn't obvious.

Naturally then, I enjoy standing on the immediate periphery of my brothers' personal space as they converse with various mexican citizenry. In this way I attempt to interject random words that could possibly be Spanish, and may even be related to their conversation. Here, let me show you how it goes.

Rob: (in Spanish, to vendor) I don't really want to buy these mexican jumping beans, but since my younger brother is hovering over me like a huge human mosquito, i'm going to get this over with and buy some. He's 32, but he still hovers!

Erik: (in English) 32 dollars, what?? Or pesos, did you say pesos? How do I say "that's too much?" Amigo, my brother is "estupido", if you know what that means, and you should, because I saw it in a Spanish I text book. I will give you 25 dollars for 6 mexican jumping beans, final offer.

Vendor: (to Rob) Is this guy serious?

Rob: I think so.

Erik: No, I know so. Here, the deal is done and you can mark it down in your accounting logs, which I doubt you even have.

Vendor: Tonight I eat filet mignon off the bellies of prostitutes!

As we made our way home, I couldn't figure how this man's strange sexual appetite was connected to my pulling the wool over his eyes. Finally, I came to the conclusion that it was unrelated.

Ahh...Tijuana. You have my heart, and I have your mexican jumping beans.