Can men and women be friends, and friends only? An age-old question, the answer to which is best left up to me. To give a little background, I was recently made aware of a situation where a man gained the friendship of an attractive female, under the obviously false pretense of wanting the friendship of an attractive female. No, the man I'm talking about is not me. Personally, I believe in honesty, or whatever that is when you say something you're fairly certain isn't directly false, in order to accomplish a mission. But again, I'm speaking in generalities.

Essentially, men have a biological imperative (or "noble quest" in Latin), which causes them to fake friendships with women. Now that is true honor, to fulfill one's purpose. If you disagree, then I'm left with no choice but to pull out the big guns, also known as incontrovertible truths. Years of research produces...

1. Men desire women
2. Women aren't always repulsed by men
3. Sometimes women ARE repulsed, though
4. Men understand that it's important to use deception
and tricks of the mind in order to combat this problem

If the above statements were made by elite scientists at some point in the past, and nick-named "The Big Four", that would not surprise me. If it were in the distant chauvinistic past, I would be even less surprised. However, if you need further evidence aside from the Big Four, then maybe a dose of evolutionary biology will set your ding-dong head right. Consider:

The man has been trained throughout multiple centuries to procreate by any means necessary. If this means spending several months undercover, discussing feelings and why it's OK or not OK that Gwyneth Paltrow named her baby Apple, then so be it. But at some point, action must be taken in the form of a romantic offensive, lest these discussions continue indefinitely. Indeed, if a man leaves the relationship stalled on "friend", it's the same as him saying, "ok, good enough, then. That egg can just sit there unfertilized, let's all just sit around and talk about chocolate until the sun flames out. I guess the hunt is over." Nay, I say!

"You're a pig!", say the women readers. Yet, ponder this, fair lasses: Isn't it sort of special to know that there's always a chance your good friend, who you've confided in for many years, might hit on you? Exciting! What could be better than that? Nothing, obviously. I'm sitting here trying to think of something better, and failing miserably.

As a counselor (of imaginary people) I hear multiple complaints per day about the lack of marriage-qualified men for you goddesses out there. Well, maybe one of your good friends is still in deep cover, and he simply hasn't shown his hand yet. So in reality, rather than a good man, all you need is some patience. Which is a virtue, if I didn't mention that before.

Though I realize some of my female friends may feel betrayed, please understand that it has simply fallen upon me to balance the scales of mating justice by explaining reality. Plus, I always remember to wink repeatedly at my female friends throughout the development of any friendship, so they can't act all surprised down the road when I try to make out with their elbow or something.

Female Friend: I can't believe you would try to make out with my elbow, I thought we were friends!

Me: How can that surprise you, after all those times we were together, and I had my hand over my right eye and my left eye was blinking flirtatiously?

Female Friend: I thought you had something in your eye!

Me: Well guess what, I didn't. So is it on, or what?

Female Friend: You are a sad, sad man. And stop blinking.

Me: Cool, maybe we'll hook up later. [returns to deep cover]

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my friends out there! Especially the girls. [blink]

Howdy-Doody citizens, and welcome to a new month. You're probably thinking, "great, it's a new month, I'm not impressed." If this is indeed your attitude, perhaps you should consider the international implications, as dozens of countries across the globe are now enjoying a different month. Even insignificant village people, in some cases. Here at home, it signifies a new 30-day period in which Britney Spears might pull her dress up over her head, take pictures of herself, and email them to People Magazine. More importantly, though, it signifies a new opportunity for me to complain about three parking tickets I got within a 4-hour time frame. I doubt you can beat that, but if you can, that seems strange to me, because logically it doesn't make any sense to intentionally best someone's record for consecutive parking tickets.

Anyway, the first was for parking on the street on the 9th Sunday of the ides of March, or something equally cryptic. I never really figured it out, which probably means I'll have about 8 more tickets by morning. The second ticket was for liking techno music (guilty as charged), and the third and final ticket was for something like not knowing the exact date of Charlegmagne's death. Ok, that's not actually what the ticket said. I don't know what it said, because I was sick of looking at tickets by the time I got done with the second one. I'm pretty sure the third ticket is just a polaroid of the officer giving me the bird.

Ah, but all is not lost, as the city recently sent me a notice about the tickets, and what to do in order to appeal them. Since I'm still a little unclear about when the ides are, or why anyone would care, I figure my best bet is to focus on the ticket about Charlemagne. Ok, I'm only being sardonic again. It is a virtual certainty that all three tickets are for the same basic offense, being too stupid to know where to park. Needless to say, I'm not too stoked about my chances at winning an appeal. I'm supposed to 'include a map or diagram of the street or parking structure, in order to more clearly state my case.' Since I don't really have a case, I'm not all that excited about expounding on that point and really driving it home. However, everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense. Thus, I think it prudent strategy to create a diagram which is a little more aggressive, in order to catch the imperialists off-guard. Here's what I'm thinking about sending in, roughly:

That's right, it's me brandishing a pirate's main weapon of choice, the cutlass. If that doesn't put the reader on full alert, I don't know what will. I still need a caption, though. My first option is something along these lines: "Expunge any record of these parking infractions or taste my unforgiving steel!" Somewhat sexually-charged, but still very effective.

My second option would be something like, "I'll cut you, dirty pig. No tickets!"

And then finally, I will say, it is my opinion that I don't want any of these parking tickets. Thank you.

p.s. I'll cut you.

If you think I should be a foreign diplomat too, just sit there at your computer and don't do anything for 1 straight second. Wow, thanks! Yeah, I think I'm pretty good, too. Talk to you guys later--from the American Embassy in North Korea that is! That I'll create!