Dating, Relationships, And You. And That Other Girl. She Was Also Fairly Hot.

Lately I've been thinking about dating and relationships. The reason I like to do this is it gives me a chance to reflect on how much I know about those topics, which is A LOT. And that's a great feeling, to know that much. I almost hope the girl I'm dating sees this post, because then she can understand her purpose, and praise me for my bold views. Or she will break up with me. In this way she is very wishy-washy.

I'll begin with an example scenario from my dating past, which informs some of my current beliefs, or should I say, facts, on the subject. I remember the picture quite clearly: Our relationship on the ropes, and me with no other options outside of dangling my ex-girlfriend's cat over the side of her fifth floor balcony. She said (in a very mean way), "Quit dangling my cat off of there! Why are you doing that??!" Women are supposedly very intuitive, yet she didn't understand that hurting her cat was my last, desperate method of hurting her? Please, that's psychology 101. Or at least I assume it is. I tested out of that course, due to my advanced skills.

Another classic blunder women commit on the dating scene is instinctively blurting out the first thing that comes to their minds, like, "Don't leave inappropriate messages on my phone, and then follow me in your car, driving slowly behind me as I walk through the alley." This is a turn off, because don't try to control me. Nobody likes to be controlled. Also, "Don't leave innapropriate messages" doesn't mean anything to me, it just sounds like a corporate memo to nobody in particular. If you can prove, in a legal setting, that I left such a message, and a court reporter is there to document it, then sure, we can discuss that. Until then, I would try to get a new phone number, although I'll probably find that new number without much difficulty.

Indeed, though I am quite resourceful, I will admit there are still a few remaining questions which the ladies have failed to answer to the satisfaction of this reporter. These are puzzles which have stymied experts like me for the better part of 5,000 years. Basically, no one will ever solve them. So they sit in museums, unsolved. Here they are, not that you could ever solve one.

--What kind of a world is it where cat-calls are not a compliment? A dual-reality world where sincere public recognition of something good about someone, is suddenly not a compliment any more. That's what kind.

--What kind of a world is it, where your cat wakes you up in the morning, and you like it? You like it so much you even tell your friends about it. Giving your cat away to someone else if he wakes you up, sure, but liking it?

--What kind of world is it where you disapprove of your boyfriend wearing your skirt and running around the house with a girdle on his head? Ok, that one is understandable. That was my bad.

--What kind of world is it where a football highlight is supposedly less interesting than:

-The conversation you and I were having just now (whatever that was about)
-Your hopes and dreams

Thankfully, this last one is no longer a mystery. As I understand it, a majority of the research [I've done] [in my mind] indicates that a slow-motion football highlight, complimented by tasteful narration and appropriate musical accompaniment, is significantly more interesting than either of the above items. Well, that's a relief to finally have an answer on that. However, some might say that the greatest mystery of all is how someone of my caliber could still technically be "on the market."

I agree, that is an amazing mystery.

On any normal day, I might begin this post with a barely disguised insult implicating everyone who happens to not be me. But not today, because this post is about the concept of happiness, and I'd like to create the impression that I care. However, if you're curious about what I was going to say, it was that none of you will probably ever find true happiness--something along those lines. Sure, there may be scattered highlights, such as earning the love of a disfigured child, or not getting cancer right away, but that's about it.

Now let's look at the data, culled from a 45-second video clip on msn.com, automatically making it the most reliable source of data any of you have encountered in the last 6 months. Supposedly, there are several well-defined factors by which we measure and achieve happiness. Strangely enough, none of the factors have anything to do with Jessica Alba. Thinking about her holding me, and talking to a picture of her every morning is no guarantee of my long-term mental or emotional well-being. Yet, it is my destiny, so case closed.

Aside from that, here are some additional facts you should know about happiness, if you want to achieve even basic, introductory-levels of it.

1. According to the study, one of the best ways to be happy is to have more money than your friends. As my mom used to say, "It is not enough that I succeed. Others must fail." Seriously, your total wealth numbers could top out at around fifteen bucks, but as long as your friends only have ten bucks, you will experience feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction.
(According to the research, you will not feel petty, though I don't see how that's possible.)

2. Spend time with friends. Now, I know what you're thinking. Underneath it all, you're a bad person, and don't deserve friends. This is probably partly, or even mostly, true. But let's stay positive, and embrace the concepts of #1 above, which dictate that you build a social circle comprised solely of methed-out hobos, and everyone wins.

3. Buy experience, not possessions. The idea here is to travel, to see outside yourself, and gain an understanding of what it means to be a citizen of the earth, setting aside provincial attitudes and some other stuff which sounded logical when you were in college. Truly though, I do want to improve myself, but first I must improve myself at Madden 2007, and that's not going to happen until I buy my own xbox 360. Hey, did anyone hear that clacking sound? Oh yeah, it's the sound of a case. Closing.

4. Number four, don't have kids. The numbers alone are staggering, with 98% of all small children being somewhat annoying. True story though, happiness levels for prospective parents supposedly rise during the gestation period, then fall sharply during the 18 years following birth. Yet human births have for some time been a proven method of sustaining life. The more I think of it, number four is like some sick cosmic joke: We can either die off but be super happy, or keep up with the impregnating, and see our happiness levels plummet. That's like a catch-22 on steroids.

5. Number five is one I made up. It's a little pathetic, but it's called Hold Up A Picture Of Jessica Alba, and use baby talk on it, asking her rhetorical questions such as, "Oh, do you like that??" And so on. Remember, the research didn't specifically say not to do this.

Essentially, do everything in the above list, and you will be a different person. Capable of performing magnificent feats and wowing others with your sheer happiness. If you choose not to do everything in the list, you will fail and others will use you as their poor friend in order to feel adequate. Then you will be stupid and unhappy, a less-than-enviable position.

In closing, it's clear that this post is vastly different from anything I've previously inflicted upon the public, because it is both selfless and circumspect in the extreme. It reminds me of something Gandhi would've written, but less hypocritical. Sorry, Gandhi fans. The truth hurts.