Here's a riddle for everyone: What sounds like a Greenpeace commercial, but is actually a Chevron commercial? You guessed it, a Chevron commercial. Has anybody seen these? For that matter, has the Chevron marketing team even seen them? Lately it appears as if all original members of Chevron's ad team were fired and replaced by Berkeley freshmen majoring in Earth Day. I can't tell if they're selling incense, really excellent karma, or what. The ads open with some cheesy narrative about Chevron's mystical spirit-quest to find alternative fuels. Then at the end, they ask, "Will you join us?"

Riiight. Earth is rapidly morphing into an oversized, unihabitable asteroid with no oxygen and apocalyptic floods, but no one else cares, just you guys. You're blazing new trails in conservation. That's like me making a commercial about how Family Circus is a funny comic strip, and how I don't want to kill the author of it, Bil Keane. I obviously do want to kill Bil Keane, so such a commercial wouldn't make any sense. Truly perplexing, somewhat like a Mentos commercial. Which reminds me, do not be misled, Mentos. Your ads were so lame, even Bil Keane hated them--but most Americans figured they were the result of an elementary school create-a-commercial day, put on by retarded 1st-graders and Jessica Simpson. So we gave them a pass. However, there are limits. I shall set them.

Back to Chevron, though. I understand the financial advantage in declaring your company environmentally conscious. But first you must prove you're even the regular kind of conscious. Like where you respond to physical stimuli and all that. I should add that smoking a bunch of weed before you write a television commerical does not make your organization "green". That sucks, I agree. It would be a sweet loophole.

It is my opinion that these ads out-annoy even the drug ones, where you're not sure whether they're selling rolling pastoral hills, a certain type of medication, or a coastal time-share. All I can think while I'm watching any drug commercial is, "I hope it's like Viagra, but more powerful." Anyway, that's a different problem which I will discuss privately with my physician.

One thing I'll say for the gasoline ads, they're effective at making me not want to buy any gasoline, ever. But I have to balance this against the fact that they are a gross insult to my intelligence. So I find myself torn. Granted, some oil companies such as BP actually contribute monetarily to U.S. alternative energy research. There are two possible explanations for this.

1. All crude oil supplies will be exhausted within 1 month, but nobody knows except BP.

Or,

2. All of BP's corporate strategies are now devised by UC Berkely Transgender Animal Protection Earth Day majors with a political alignment slightly left of Karl Marx, and no real business skills to speak of.

Sadly, I'm not sure which of these is less absurd. Now I will show you my timeline which further explains the possible...you know what? I'm not even going to lie on this one. It doesn't explain anything, but I used 4 different colors, if you count white and black. You probably remember this timeline from U.S. History Class, but were too busy learning a new juggling trick during a movie, which earned you a quick trip to the principal's office. Ok, that was me. Still, though, check it out.

Now that you understand the history of oil in America, maybe you could explain it to Chevron. I think they need serious help if they're asking the general public for assistance on the alternative fuel thing. At this late stage in the game, it almost seems like they would've hired one or two scientists to look into the matter. I haven't even taken a chemistry class since high school. I'm a little rusty, to say the least. Best of luck to them, I guess.

Alright, I'll talk to you guys later, I have to get in my car and drive 60 feet to my mailbox. They moved it to one of those all-in-one type deals. SO annoying.

I'm Like Zeus, But More Alpha-Male

Some time ago, I publicly discussed my insubordinate pythons, and their general refusal to be gigantic and scare small children. It was must-see blogging then, and nothing's changed. Especially my pythons. With my back against the wall, I had 2 options. I could create the "Guiding Guns to Greatness" program, or end my life. So I created the program, because I'm still relatively young, and I want to see what happens with Ryan Seacrest's career. He seems to be on the verge of creating his own brand, and I'd like to be around for that.

If you're worried that my exercise history might not be an interesting topic, then I invite you to recall a thing somebody really smart said a long time ago, which may or may not have any direct bearing on what I'm talking about right now. However, keep in mind that everything we learn about isn't always exciting. Learning of my guns is an essential educational building block, similar to both Sesame Street and 21 Jump Street. Therefore, I will give a quick refresher.

Those who know me well, know me for two things. First, I am known for my great physical power. You can think of this as power in motion, if it's easier to remember that way. This power is not unlike a puma or a highly athletic koala bear, yet still very deadly.

The second item I should probably warn you about is the preposterously high levels of testosterone which have been coursing through my rigid body since the pre-natal years. Most days it's all I can do just to keep my fists from coming out like rabid, diseased gophers, smashing everything in sight. Do you know how hard it is to keep them in check? I'm quite certain you have no idea. Every day of my life is a new lesson in self-restraint. I don't even want to discuss it right now, for the gophers grow restless.

Now it is time for you to know the history behind the Guiding Guns program: One morning I woke up and asked myself, what if there was a world where peoples of all colors and national origins loved one another, and what if, in addition to that, there was a virtual, customizable personal exercise game called Yourself! Fitness available for the xbox platform? As fate would have it, there was. It's made for the xbox and it's called Yourself! Fitness. With this program shall my guns increase.

I realize I will probably endure my share of smirks and "good-natured ribbing" for using a virtual personal trainer. However, I suspect there will be significantly less smirking after I rip out the offender's trachea, turn it into a wind instrument, and force them to play me a tune on it with their last breath. At that point, I feel there will be less smirking, and more respect. If you feel that last comment was a little over the top, you might want to consider the current attached state of your trachea, and do you want it to stay that way? No, I'm kidding. Look at this screenshot from Yourself! Fitness:

"I love Erik. Erik, watch this, I'm sexily jumping onto this step."

Her name is Maya, and she has several different outfits. If she was a real person, she would likely burn for me with the desire of a thousand flames. But even if she was real, I wouldn't let her have me, because trust is first. Without trust, you have nothing. Less than nothing, really. You have a pile of excrement is what you have. Okay, I got a little side-tracked there, but surely you can see my point, Maya. Even as I perform your little warm-up exercises, I see where this is headed. You will draw me in with your knee-length spandex and empty promises, but ultimately, you will leave me broken and without viable alternatives.

So suffice it to say, the Guiding Guns to Greatness program, whatever that was, is being called off. I don't even care about it anymore. Not only that, I think you may still be attracted to me, which only complicates things. All my future time will be dedicated to giving you the slip. You will continue to be extremely proficient at aerobics, and I will be proficient at giving you the slip. Which reminds me, guess who is a virtual trainer in a fitness game and also has an appointment tomorrow to be sold on a prominent internet auction site?

Maya: Please don't do that, you are my dream. Look at this picture of me:


"If Erik was underneath me, everything would be perfect, just like I dreamed when I was a little girl."

Erik: Perhaps I've been hasty. If you promise to ignite my pythons, we may be together on a trial basis.

Maya: No, I don't think I like you anymore. But check this out. You want some?

Erik: I admit that I do.

Maya: Never gonna happen.

Erik: I'm depressed again, like I was before I invented the Guiding Guns program. I'm gonna play Halo and eat a bucket of lard.

Maya: Have fun, fat-boy.