I've gotta be honest, I don't usually give nerds too much thought. They cross my mind, but I don't dwell on them. I've heard it said that you're supposed to act nice to their face, so I make an effort, and that's as far as I normally take it. However, lately I've been having some fond memories of my system administrator job, nerdy as it was. It occurs to me that they would pay me actual money, on the 1st and the 15th of every month. At Hollister, you get to flirt with fine girls, but on the 1st and 15th, they just check to see if you're still projecting a pretentious image, and then throw pennies at your head. Flattering yes, but it's not good enough anymore.

So, to prepare for the next stage of my career, which will probably end up bearing an exact resemblance to the stage before this stage, I thought it might be helpful to work through some potential flirting scenarios in my head. It is imperative that my nerd-game is at full power when I re-enter the nerd zone, so I can hit the ground running.

Scene I: Cubicle farm at Dork-Tech, Inc. Mid-morning coffee break, two nerds of heterogeneous physiology emit respective pheromones, and conversation ensues. Here's how the exchange might play out.

Guy Nerd: Is it hot in here, or has the total amount of kinetic and potential energy increased? Or Is it you? I don't know, it seems kind of stuffy, if not downright hot.

Girl Nerd: I'm pretty sure it's not me. Let me check the mirror. Whoa, safe to say it's not me.

Guy Nerd: Maybe it's me?

Girl Nerd: Uh, I think you should borrow my mirror...


Scene II: Watercooler, Mid-Afternoon

Guy Nerd: Did it hurt?

Girl Nerd: What?

Guy Nerd: When you fell from heaven, reaching a terminal velocity of 200 km per hour, assuming a non-vacuum environment, and normal atmospheric drag.

Girl Nerd: When you were saying that just now, I was inventing a new form of mathematics in my head, and saw infinity. But I'm finished with that now, can you repeat your question?

Guy Nerd: I said, when you fell from heaven, reaching a terminal velocity of 200 km per hour, did it hurt? No, I've gone and mucked it up. Shoot! You should've been listening on the first one!

Girl Nerd: If by "heaven", you are referring to the mesosphere, then that's a highly illogical question. Think about it, if--

Guy Nerd: Just forget it...

Girl Nerd: I will do nothing of the sort. The point of your query, in so many words, was to determine if I fell to earth from heaven. Additionally, you wished to know whether or not I was injured in any way as a result. Do I understand your position? If so, the answer is no, I was not "born" in heaven, and then launched downward through earth's atmosphere. Physical laws of the universe dictate that I would burn up miles before reaching the earth's surface. My personal genesis came about by vaginal birth, the same as you. However, I perceive that the communication technique you are attempting to employ is one commonly referred to as "flirting". Hence, I will subvert my inclination to answer as an adult, and, against my better judgment, shall irrationally engage you in light-hearted and witty banter.

Guy Nerd: Wow, this should be a lot of fun.

Girl Nerd: I know, I agree. Now say something light-hearted. C'mon. Go.

Guy Nerd: I want to launch you through the atmosphere right now.

Girl Nerd: Ooh, sounds fun. What's your favorite angle?

Guy Nerd: Hey, that was actually a pretty good response. Are you faking it? No, I could tell if you were faking.

Girl Nerd: Yeah, right

Guy Nerd: What?

Girl Nerd: Nothing.



Scene III: 6 p.m. Parking Lot

Guy Nerd: You must be tired

Girl Nerd: Why?

Guy Nerd: Well, you've been running through my mind all day, specifically the right temporal lobe, because that's the area of the brain where daydreaming and memory are most prevalent.

Girl Nerd: I'd like to get some time alone with your temporal lobe, do you see what I'm saying? Am I turning you on?

Guy Nerd: Not too much, actually. You want to have intimate physical relations with my gray matter?

Girl Nerd: Yeah, I think that'd be hot.

Guy Nerd: What would be hot is if you were better-looking and not so weird.

Girl Nerd: What?

Guy Nerd: Nothing. [Gets on mo-ped. Tries to burn out, kills engine.]

Yeah, I'm in the groove now. Lock up your nerdlettes, moms and dads, because I'm back in the game! Anyone for some Dungeons & Dragons? Let's do this.

A new year is upon us, my simple friends. That's right, it's a little something I like to call "2006", and it's all up in your grill. Looking back, 2005 was a year that changed all of us. And when it was all said and done, we discovered that we share one common trait. Exactly, you read my mind, we're all human. I'm fairly certain there is also a small cyborg population living among us, but their numbers are relatively few, and they mostly keep to themselves. Disclosing this information in any sort of public forum would most likely earn me a quick trip to Guantanamo, so keep a lid on it. The overall point is, most of us are humans. And not cyborgs.

Yet, even though we're not cyborgs, the old year is still over--and now we're at the point where many of us feel a strange and inexplicable obligation to reflect on the events of 2005, in a totally transparent attempt to convince ourselves that we 1) can even remember what in the H happened, 2) have a vague understanding of it, and 3) will do everything so much better this year because we're way smarter now, and we promise not to watch so much MTV.

Ok, not really, but onto the reflecting. We'll start with the current political administration. For the morbidly curious, this did not change. To their credit, this administration did announce they might consider possibly making a coherent foreign policy decision at some point in the very near future, which looks a little bit like actual change, if you squint your eyes, tilt your head, and then poke both of your eyes out. Nothing against the Republicans, I'm politically neutral. (Confidential to Dems: I want to have your baby). Hey, I'm only playing around. If the first letter of a country starts with a letter, I say invade.

There were other changes as well. Some of these were mundane (disappearance of an entire city), and some were ushered in with much fanfare and positive energy (my underwear change in early September). Some of you probably had a sex change, for all I know. This means there was something you have now which you didn't before, or you took some stuff away. Either one is cool, if you think about it for a long time. Even then, it's only cool in a bizarre and twisted way, but whatever, I think we're mostly on the same page with that one. Aside from those treasured moments where some of you went under the knife and changed your bits all around, there were additional events that made 2005 special, and now I will list every single one of them.

A Year of Scientific Progress

I remember seeing an article about researchers isolating cancer-causing genes, and on the adjacent page there was a different article about Jessica Alba's new movie, Into The Blue, so I read that instead. I haven't seen the movie yet, but my fear is there might be a part where Jessica Alba dives into the water, and her entire bikini doesn't fall off. (Cancer subnote: I think those scientists ended up curing most types of the major cancers. Which I think is very helpful.)

A Year of Multiple Celebrities Being Impregnated

You know the names by now. Jennifer Garner, Britney Spears, Denise Richards, and some other women who wanted at one time to be with me, but I would not commit. Anyway, the pregnancies were so awesome, because we learned that in addition to being famous, these women also have ovaries! And fallopian tubes! If people are so blown away by this, maybe I'll just get a sex change, too. Goodness knows, it seems to be working for most of you.

A Year of Cocaine Snorting, By Models

If there's one thing we learned this year, it's that lear jets and private islands are boring, so you have to spice things up by snorting a little of the white magic. Look at Kate Moss. She did it, and the only downside for her was that she lost a multi-million dollar modeling contract. So I ask you, is it really worth it not to spice things up? It's clearly not, which means that in her particular situation, you have one and only one option: Snort that coke like it's the last coke you'll ever see. I hope you see the moral lesson there, because honestly, I'm struggling...let me know.

Looking ahead, I'm definitely seeing some areas where I could improve. I'll be the first one to admit that. My Halo sniping skills are woeful, and my knowledge of the new maps is shaky at best. But those are some of the things I'm committed to learning about over time. If I play 3 hours a day, that's 1092 xbox hours over the course of a year. I know what you're thinking, that would be impressive. Yes, it would, and I challenge every one of you to join me, because I know you want to. C'mon, don't be a little baby about it, let's just play xbox all the time. If you were willing for this, I think we might have the best year ever.

p.s. I said might