Quick Update! Not Fun To Read!

Faithful servants-What can I say, I live in San Diego now. What it comes down to is, I've always been a San Diegan at heart. These are my people now, and we share an almost mystical connection. When I look at them (the girls), they know what I mean (let's make out). And that's only after being here for 72 hours. What will happen once I get past the stage where I just stare at people in a creepy, insecure way? I think the sky's the limit.

I live in a lovely, albeit diminutive, condo. I think it's about 43 square feet. My room is 6 X 6, so I can lie down in it diagonally. Okay, it's not that small. I've seen rooms that were smaller, but I can't think of any off the top. Oh yeah, I took an Alcatraz tour once, and there were these solitary confinement cells. I think those may have been bigger, though. Anyway, who cares, as long as it's really small.

I don't have a job yet, but don't take that to mean I want one. As it turns out, I don't really like jobs, necessarily. It's not who I am as a person, and I would ask that you be patient with me as I figure out that all I want to do is sit around. Thanks. *

More updates will follow, and they'll be way better than this one, I promise. This update was like an empty package of gum you see on the street. At first you think there might be gum inside, but really, it's an empty package that has simply maintained its original structure. Disappointing, to say the least.

San Diego Native signing out!


*I really need a job, I'm starting to freak out in a major way. Someone please give me a job.

Greetings, my insufficient ones. I come bearing wisdom. The wisdom I present is intended to improve the rate and efficacy with which you score the ladies. Ladies, feel free to stick around. Maybe you'll learn something about yourselves. Yet, I highly doubt it.

Fellas-We all know dating can be tricky. If an excessive percentage of your body is covered in 3rd degree burns, or you're the elephant man, it's even more tricky. If you are either of the aforementioned individuals, I wouldn't even read the rest of this post. Because women are often very shallow and they will never accept an elephant man, even if you drive a nice Camry. Sad but true. They don't like it when we ask them if their thighs are more chubby lately, yet that's simply a health-related question which is related to the science of nutrition. Whereas their preoccupation with men who aren't horribly disfigured is basically just them being mean. Do you want to be with a gender who's mean? Neither do I. Let's be gay. Ok, just kidding. Enough with the gay jokes already.

Now if you're reading this blog, it's likely you have serious problems. So the tips that follow are geared toward the men who know even less than I do about women. That's pretty sad.

First, some basic terms. If you're at a restaurant with another person, and it's a girl, you may be involved in the disturbing predicament known as a date. Most dates suck, but that doesn't mean you should never go on any. The purpose for dates, mostly, is so you can write about them in some crappy blog that no one reads. Dates are also good for wasting money you could've used for online poker or a chewbacca lunchbox.

What's the point of all this? You need to be able to read a woman's body language if you're going to have any success whatever in the dating arena. Many dating gurus and relationship experts talk about body language, and how important it is to be able to interpret it correctly. If you made a ridiculous joke just now in your mind about how there's only one type of body language that's important, or something equally juvenile, that's why you never score. Don't get mad, how do you think I knew that?

Anyway, I've noticed that these so-called experts assign great significance to obscure concepts such as whether or not your date's feet are pointing towards the equator, or if they're pointed sort of towards Italy, or if her eyebrow is twitching in a manner that might indicate wantoness. This type of advice is useless to me, and other men who do well just to recognize that the woman across from them is both a) Still sitting at the table, and b) Not on fire. To their knowledge. Thus, I offer you a thoroughly utilitarian body language guide, complete with explanations.

The Sullen Scowl: This is indicative of her hate for you. Or her ex-boyfriend who kind of looks like you. This date is over.

The Sullen Scowl With Red Laser Beams Shooting Out of Eyes: This means she has superpowers and/or you are on hallucinogens. Either way, this date is over.

Doesn't Laugh At You In Cruel Way: If she isn't openly ridiculing your effeminate gestures or bolo tie, this means you're still in the game. Barely, but you are. If she's laughing at your clever jokes and witty banter, though, how do you do that? Email me later.

The Leave: This is where your date leaves. This can be subtle, but if you stay alert, you will realize she's no longer talking, or even at the restaurant. If this happens, she remembered why she didn't really want to go out with you in the first place, but it had been a couple months, and her girlfriends wouldn't shut up about why she's still single (The reason is her best option is you. Get my drift?). But I stray from my point, which is that your date just left. If this date isn't over, it definitely has limited potential.

The Leave with Different Man: This one's a doozy. Not only does your date leave, she leaves with a person that is not you. This one is painful but necessary, so that you can understand your position on the totem pole of life. (your position is the part that’s buried in the ground)

So there it is, basically. The five most common non-verbal cues women give. These cues indicate you're probably the elephant man after all, even after you pretended you weren't. Who were you trying to kid? It's either that, or your personality is really bad. Honestly, I don’t know what your problem is. Best of luck though, I have a feeling you're gonna need it.

Weakness and Surrender Cannot Be Taught, You Must Slowly Succumb To Them

Tennessee Williams once said, "There is a time of departure even when there's no certain place to go." What this means is you should quit and run away if you encounter even small, unimposing obstacles. Focus on all that is cowardly within you, and run. Run like a scared fawn, off into the quiet of the forest and then be very still. Afterwards, you can just lie there, or starve to death, or whatever you want. The important part is quitting and running away from your problems.

Let's take my career for example, the one I no longer have because I quit it last week. Yeah, you heard me right. And If I somehow had a second job, I'd quit that one, too, like a bad habit. It's my new thing. If I had a time machine, I'd go into the future and quit all my jobs in advance, that's how committed I am. Please understand, there's no shame in giving up. There's also no money, but as we've learned, it's the giving up that's important. No, you won't be able to buy any food without a job, that's a given. Your immune system will eventually shut down, and soon people will mistake you for a skeleton. Then your heart will just sort of...stop. Ominous, yes, but also the inevitable consequence of not eating food for a long time. However, there's great freedom in this--the freedom of not having a pulse anymore, which is the greatest freedom of all.

You may ask, how can I just give up? It's so easy! Even as a child, it came naturally to me. I don't care if it was kickball or red rover, I would either call everyone else a cheater and quit, or simply sit down during the middle of the game and quit. A more recent example is when a college friend said to me, "Hey, let's both try to have successful lives." To this day, I have no idea what my friend was talking about. Did he completely forget that I had no real character, or follow-through? Yeah, I'll let you guess how the whole 'successful life' quest ended up. Actually, I'll just tell you, it ended with me quitting. I think the only reason I managed to graduate from college was because I was very naive and had not yet discovered the power that is available to us when we embrace ineffectiveness and futility. That, and I forged the majority of my transcripts. Changing all of my records to more closely resemble an academic history which didn't include failing out of every class certainly helped--I won't lie about that. Other things, sure, I will lie about them. But this one thing I'm talking about right now, I just don't feel like lying about it, so I won't. Anyway, I'd rather talk about failure, because that's my passion.

I think my position on quitting and failure can best be summed up like this: I'm in love with it, and now that I know how liberating it is, I will stay the course until I have absolutely nothing left. If I haven't lost everything by the time I'm 35, I shall count that as failure. Which is like a win-win, now that I think about it. However, I would prefer to be well below the poverty line, with no actual possessions. True, I still have this computer I'm typing on, but if I had anything to say about it, it would be smashed into tiny pieces. Hold on, let me smash the screen in with my fist. If I do that, it will be even better than having nothing, because glass will be everywhere, and I'll be on the ground, twitching grotesquely in the final throes of electrocution. I think you would agree, going out like that could safely be classified as unsuccessful. Which is
the whole point.

In closing, I'm impetuous, occasionally disorganized, and my grasp on reality is tenuous at best. Does anyone know of any companies who consistently engage in absurd, counter-productive hiring practices? Because I desperately need a job, any job. More importantly, though, I desperately need to quit that job--I'm starting to get the shakes over here.