Before I moved to San Diego, I set one major goal for myself, and one major goal only: To base all important life decisions on whatever was written in my horoscope. Here's my reasoning: Why leave things to chance, when there's a system already in place for me and other people who don't really get what's going on? Exactly. Yet, even though reading the newspaper to magically see into the future is a pretty fail-safe concept, I hear some of you whining about how astrology has no basis in science, and that it's used primarily by Nascar fans with no high school diploma. Let me tell you something, your complaints are essentially meaningless to me. They fall on deaf ears. It's almost as if we're in space, and there's no atmosphere to carry the ignorant sounds coming from your mouth.

Listen, the reason I had to be harsh with you just now, is that millions and millions of other great inventions were also initially scorned, including blue m&m's. Blue m&m's don't seem quite so trivial now, do they? You would probably eat one right now if it was in front of you. Go ahead, eat one. Now let us consider the light bulb. For about fifty years, people said, "Who needs this, not me", and they would just keep turning the lights off, because they didn't understand. Same goes with fire. To early homosapiens, indeed, even early homosexuals, small, controlled fires were regarded as a nuisance. Early man would just stamp them into ashes, sometimes in under a minute. Those were very simple people. I don't want to automatically lump you guys in with them, but believe me, you're walking a very fine line. If I had to make a decision on it right now, I would probably put you in with the simpletons group.

Here's a question you might ask yourself (preferably when you're high, so it seems less moronic): Is science a living art? I submit that yes, not only is science alive, but astrology is also alive. That is, they are identical, and they both have an "s". Let's see...yeah, I guess that's the only letter. Anyway, on the one hand you have science, and on the other, astrology. See? So rather than science being strictly defined as a department of systematized knowledge as an object of study, we could just as easily think of science as the highly questionable advice of a cracked-up wiccan sorceress.

(Sidenote to wiccans: I know all of you don't meddle in the dark arts, I'm just kidding around with you. You did have it coming though, godless pagans. That, and more.)

And now we're at the point, where, even though I've stated my topic sentence like you're supposed to, and subsequently delivered several thorough and compelling arguments, you dance about the outer fringes, unwilling to admit that you should use astrology every day. Let me explain how it looks from where I'm sitting--if I'm misreading the situation, by all means let me know. To me, it looks like I've given you all the tools necessary to live full and satisfying lives, rich with merry-making and general recreation. But if you're just going to sit there and not turn to section F5 to see if a Capricorn will soon play a key role in financial matters, I can't help you. My hands are tied. Tomorrow, you may very well need to lean on a Taurus to help guide you through recently choppy romantic waters. What's that you say? Your boyfriend died of throat cancer two years ago and you haven't been on a date since? Well those are some choppy romantic waters, if I've ever seen 'em.

That last point I made might just as easily be submitted in memorandum form and signed by the President, because that's how solid it is. In fact, this entire thing was solid. I'd be surprised if you didn't go online right now and buy a full-on zodiac natal birth chart so you could start building a life that's actually worth living. I've already done it, and look at me. I'm pretty much good to go.

p.s. I'm a Pisces, so if there's anything in your chart about making out with a Pisces, email me at the same address as always. No, wait. If there's something in there about making out with a Pisces with ice cubes in our mouths, email soon! And if it says you should be wearing one of those cute little sun dresses! Oh man, you know what to do!

Ok, I have to go check my inbox for no reason.

Lindsay Lohan's Skeleton Involved In Car Accident

lohan_mercedes_1, originally uploaded by knotsewphast.

LOS ANGELES, CA-Recently upset at not having an epidermis anymore, Lindsay Lohan's skeletal system drove her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 into a Chevy Astro yesterday. Lindsay Lohan herself has apparently been dead for more than two months, say sources close to the Lohan family. People everywhere in the entire world shouted praises and jumped around euphorically when they heard she was dead.

No further information was available as of press-time.