Two weeks ago if someone walked up and asked me if I wanted a pedi, I would have physically assaulted them, because pedi is the kind of dirty language you usually hear from a girl who makes her living in a brothel, and she’s the only one willing to do “the pedi.” Whether she ends up doing it or not, just cross your fingers. All I know is I won't abide that kind of talk, and never have. Probably never will.
Fast forward to right now. I know exactly what a "pedi" is, and excuse me but I'll have another. I won’t even try to pin it on my girlfriend for asking me to go with her, because deep down I think I knew that me and a pedicure would be two peas in a pod. I’ve always been skilled at receiving massages, haircuts, chiropractic adjustments, root canals, you name it. I can even take a needle pretty good, which will be useful if I ever become depressed beyond the scope and function of prescription medication. But let’s not even go down that road, unless, like I said, the prescription stuff isn’t cutting it and I’m really bored.
The only downside to liking pedicures, if there is one, is that I’m not sure if I’m actually a guy anymore. Anatomically speaking, sure, I’m in the running—-but we all know there’s more to manhood than that. If there wasn’t, then Lance Bass would be male. Since we know that isn’t true, we know there must be more to being a man, such as not admitting that you like any romantic comedies, specifically clever, well-written ones like “Love Actually” with Hugh Grant, released in 2003. Another major aspect of being a man is not knowing more than three Madonna songs by heart. Well, that’s strike #2 and all of sudden I find myself one strike away from felony-womanhood.
At this point the only option is to admit that the pedi has won the day, and reorganize my belief structure accordingly, so that I can receive one pedicure per day for the next five decades. Since I consider myself an academic (i.e., completion of Bachelor’s degree in six years) part of the restructuring process will be research-oriented. I shall thoroughly investigate all other areas of female hygiene, aside from the cruel gynecological ones that resemble Chinese torture techniques, which seem to be all of them.
It is now my personal mission to sample every aspect of a woman’s basic regimen, up to and including childbirth. I’m not sure how that will go down exactly, but Arnold Schwarzenegger once got pregnant (in a movie), and now he’s the Governor of California, which shows that you might want to try new things. Was Governor Schwarzenegger's experience just coincidence? Maybe if you’re completely ignorant, yeah, you might see that as a coincidence.
Research example #1: How do I know that shaving my legs isn’t the best thing ever? I can’t take a stand on that until I know for sure. I could ask a male swimmer or cyclist, but what if I don’t see one of those before I go into the bathroom right now and shave my legs? Correct, so that means I have to shave them.
Example #2: How do I know that it’s not really great to dye my hair so often that it resembles little bits of straw? I have no concrete data on this. I will schedule a color appointment today, tomorrow I’ll be blonde, and the day after, I will be stereotyped as fun but unable to understand basic conversation in my native language.
And before anyone even offers, I will gladly accept the mantle of social trailblazer and human rights activist. I will bear that burden. However, keep in mind that I can only take the first few steps. It’s up to the rest of you to blur the gender lines to the point that no one even has any private parts anymore. Think of it. Men and women dying their eyebrows together and getting pedicures at the same time. Mostly pedicures, though, and "Love Actually" would be playing on the TV, the part where Hugh Grant picks up his secretary at her house and takes her to the christmas play.
Very touching. But until that day comes, I will not rest. The only resting I will do is while I'm getting the pedicures, and I'm not gonna lie, that could take up a significant percentage of my total time spent being a catalyst for social change. Just being honest.
