I Got A Snake Tattoo Across My Entire Face

Yesterday, I decided to get a snake tattoo across my entire face. Just kidding, I would never do that. Tattoos do have their place, I suppose. Several of my friends have desecrated their bodies in this way and it’s not my place to judge them. That’s why we have a court system. The court system is designed to punish people with tattoos, and we have to trust in that.

Tattoos are not all bad--they can be like personal messages to the world. Unfortunately, all some people want you to know is, "NO FEAR!", and "Butterfly!". The point is, tattoos scare me and make me have uncertain feelings, so I am left with no option but to make fun of them.

Tattoo facts: Did you know there are entire TV shows where all that happens is people talk about the tattoos they're going to get and then they get them? I suppose this is not really saying a lot. TV show ideas are like domain names in that way--even the worst ones are taken. For example, what if there was a TV show where the object was for some people to live in a house and then film it? America would not put up with that!

Along those lines, here are some tattoo mainstays that won’t be winning any awards for creativity.

Barbed Wire Tattoo, or similar arm band on bicep: Not only do I want to be like everyone else, I want there to be NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. FOREVER.

Toe ring tattoo: I’m too scared to get a tattoo that anyone will ever actually see. Why not just get a tattoo on the inside of your lung? C'mon girls, you can do better than that. It's like driving across the country on your 18th birthday to live in New York City. With your Mom. Rebellious, but not really.

Black light tattoo: Let’s be honest, black light tattoos rule. Let the ink flow.

Swastika tattoo: I like conflict and will kill you for a tic-tac. Failing that, I want to make you feel uncomfortable.

Lower-back tattoo, a.k.a. Tramp Stamp: A seemingly innocuous phenomenon, designed primarily for every female alive in the late 90’s and early 00’s. However, I knew a straight guy once who got a lower-back tattoo done, before it was trendy. Never have you seen a man so bitter.

S/O tattoo (Name of Significant Other Tattoo): Not to be the bearer of bad news, but every person save one will be an ex. Which means the only logical time to get an S/O tat is when you are 92. If your girlfriend leaves you at that point, you will either forget about it in two hours or be dead in same.

The crux of the "tattoo problem" (as the pundits like to call it) is that the pendulum has swung too far to the fashionable/personal, and too far away from the pragmatic. 20 years ago, it was simple. If you had a tattoo, you were a member of the Hell's Angels, and you killed people in your spare time. Nowadays, we have these jokers attempting to escape easy categorization by way of fancy Chinese characters and confusing imagery. Now I have to learn mandarin just to accurately criticize someone? It almost makes me not want to criticize anyone. Lucky I’m resilient.

As many of you know, life is primarily about judging others and establishing roles for them. No one's going to deny that. If you ever had the brains to read the Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, you know what I’m talking about. However, I get the feeling that some people didn't understand the point of that book, which was that branding people is the best way to keep everyone organized. I guess some tattoo wearers these days feel that anarchy is the optimal social structure. Did I miss something?

Politics aside, my parting advice to the not-yet-tattooed is as follows: If you must be tattooed, at least choose something that is not likely to change within the next year, as is the case with your current favorite spouse or brand of shoe. However, if you have a quality that is not likely to change, such as “never uses blinker” or “HIV positive”, let the ink flow. If that last tattoo idea rubs you the wrong way, I suggest re-reading the Scarlet Letter. Or maybe you are an anarchist? Oh, I see. Case closed.