I Am Going To Live To Be 200

Ever since microwave ovens came out a few years back, I've been thinking about technology basically 24 hours a day. Did you know technology is taking over the world and the government is building secret robots to kill all humans? Ok, that's an exaggeration. The truth is, I love technology. There has been more technological progress in the last 2 months than in the last 100 years, combined in a row. Don't look that up.

True or not though, you have to admit it's more exciting than saying, "Lately, inventions have been occurring at roughly the same rate they have always occurred and by the way congratulations for having just read the most boring sentence in the world."

To orient ourselves, let’s take a quick look back at what was invented in each of the major eras.

Early era, circa 1805 - The top inventions, in order:

1. Steam engine
2. Lightning
3. Electricity

Or perhaps electricity came first, and was channeled into lightning bolts, I'm not certain. I’m not an electrical engineer so this information is unknown to me.

Modern era: (2005 and beyond)

1. Computers
2. Graph paper
3. Online poker

After reviewing my research on the two eras, it became clear to me that no matter which era you lived in, it would suck royal to die right before something cool is invented. Yet this is our primary burden as homosapiens. What of the man whose beloved cousin dies one day before the light bulb is invented, in a lantern fire—the cousin’s death is then pointless. Sorry you had to die cousin, oops, let me turn on the light with this LIGHT SWITCH.

What about the guy who died on the same day that toilet paper makes its debut? His last thought was likely one of bitterness: I love my family, but they get to use this stuff now, and I was jabbing away with sticks and leaves?

To carry this theme back further, one example too long, how about dying the night that fire is invented? I imagine the ailing cro-magnon senior on his death bed. No one would have been paying attention to him, because most cavemen were very insensitive. They would all be watching their tribe leader make a showy production out of the fire-lighting ceremony. Meanwhile Gramps is starting to fade, thinking, what the heck is that? So bright and shiny...I wish I could live even a few more minutes oops now I'm dead.

I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going out like that. I'm holding out for time travel at the very least. And I wouldn't just go back in time so I could pluck Jessica Alba off the street on her 18th birthday and then keep her in the basement, bathing and feeding her. That's something only a very sick person would think of. No, I'd use this technology to make lives better. For starters, I'd go back and start handing out toilet paper.

However, as a non-scientific man, there would be one major downside to time travel, and I'm not talking about the fact that the majority of women had a body mass index way off the charts. No, aside from the fact that I would be wholly unable to sire any children due to impotence, there would be an overload of difficult scientific questions to answer. It would be non-stop.

"There are jet planes? Explain how jet-technology works! There are satellites? Build us a satellite!" Talk about pressure. Sooner than later I would start lying so as not to feel like disappointing-stupid-man from the future.

"Nope, everything’s pretty much the same," I would say, remembering not to mention laser beams. I suppose I could bring a Blackberry with satellite-building documents or whatnot, but there’s no guarantee that the travel pod would function in a cargo-carrying capacity. It hasn’t even been invented yet, so I can’t say.

I’m going to focus on what I can control, which is my exercise and multi-vitamin regimen. And if invisibility comes out after I'm already bed-ridden and incontinent, I promise you I will not be pleased. In fact, I might intentionally leave a little something for the nurse to clean up, and it definitely won't be invisible.