The other weekend, I spent some time in a little town east of San Diego known as "Imperial". First off, and this isn't even my main point, I don't like it when towns give themselves important-sounding names in order to feel ok. You're still a town, you're still very small, and you need to watch your attitude. However, my girlfriend was raised there, so if she ever finds this blog, I would like to officially change my stance on the issue, starting at the time that she finds it. That's the sort of integrity I have, and I will spread spurious and damaging rumors about anyone who disagrees.

Now that the proper warnings have been issued, I will share a few observations from my road trip. After much soul-searching and extended use of my deep concentration techniques, I've decided that too many highway road signs use unclear or misleading punctuation, or should I say, punctuation so bad, the sign makers should go back to first grade...hold on, wait for it...to be taught by the first-graders. That was a good one. My point is, I understand the need to be concise, but for my money, the correct balance has not been struck between brevity and clarity.

Let's start off with a seemingly simple two-word warning sign:

I'm relatively confident this means "the presence of slow trucks is something you should be aware of", but I'm far from 100%. What if it means "slow DOWN, trucks?". Well, I don't drive a truck. So now I've wasted my time reading that, when I could've been forming the beginning of an unrelated, yet potentially revolutionary idea. Which means I now must form a different revolutionary idea later on. Let's be honest, how many of those do I have? Probably only 20, and I don't want to waste any.

Here's one that might be cute if you understood hieroglyphics.

As it stands though, I don't. So I'm not sure if this sign means that a slalom course for cars is coming up soon, or what. If there is a slalom course, where is it, and how do I register for competition? I'm a very capable driver, I need to know the details and requirements surrounding the registration process. I will almost certainly win if I am allowed to register.

This one is just plain insensitive:

Does this mean there are mentally slow kids in the area? Or did they make all the children in the neighborhood run timed 40-yard-dashes? I have no idea what's happening here, but it would appear that the self-esteem era is officially over. Maybe their next sign idea will be "fat children", or "children having acne nearby".

I think this next sign is one of those hippie liberal recycle warnings:

Calm down, hippies, I know I should recycle! Relax and smoke a doobie or something. I'll recycle later. Right now I'm driving, and I think there's a circular intersection somewhere nearby, I don't need to be distracted by your recycling sign. When you get all pushy like this, it makes me want to buy an SUV and park it at the gas station with the engine running. That's just how human nature works.


This one's easy:

Bon Jovi, 1986. The album contained competent contemporary pop/metal, from its Eddie Van Halen-inspired guitar solos to Jon Bon Jovi's enthusiastic, husky wail. If you were alive in 1986, you were listening to this. Don't lie to me.

In my next example, the Department of Transportation takes the slow kids to task once more, this time by posting median test scores for the area.

How do you score a 9% in good conscience, anyway? You have to try to score that low. Study up youngsters, or be publicly humiliated.


Here's the deal. I'm not saying I even read most road signs. This last trip was the first time I ever read one. But for people that do, it's probably a big waste of time. Long story short, these signs do nothing more than cause the sides of our nation's highways to be yellow. That's pretty much it. If I was in charge, I can guarantee you that the emphasis would be on relevant, to-the-point signage. Here's an example of a sign I would like to see:

I would definitely understand that sign, and I don't even have any practice at that. For you veteran sign-readers out there, it would be even easier to understand. Before this post, I briefly considered changing careers and becoming a sign-maker, because I know so much about it. But they're really annoying to make in Photoshop, so now the American public is stuck with signs that promote 80's rock albums and recycling. Depressing, but reality's like that sometimes.